Why Am I Getting Stuck In Therapy?

Feeling Stuck in Therapy Is Normal

Many people reach a point in therapy where they feel like progress is stalling out. If you’re here, you’re not alone – and this can actually be an important turning point on your growth journey. I’d like to explore here what clients can do if they’re feeling stuck in therapy or like therapy is not going anywhere. If you’re reading this right now and you are this client, I have some invitations for you to consider.

Get Curious About Your Experience

Are you curious? I don’t think you’d be reading this article if there wasn’t a critical mass of curiosity on board. So let us have you ask yourself, “What has been happening – in or out of session – that has led me to come to this conclusion, that I’m stuck?”

Notice the Stories You’re Telling Yourself

Now whatever emerges in your mind, stories, beliefs, I invite you to welcome them. Not that we’re going to determine which thoughts or notions are true or false. But just to welcome and acknowledge that they are showing up. If it’s helpful for you, you can write them down, but you don’t have to. It is enough right now just to acknowledge that your mind has ideas about what’s going on. Let’s welcome those ideas.

The Role of Fear (and Other Emotions) in Feeling Stuck

Are you blaming yourself? This might sound counterintuitive, but let’s actually welcome this side of your self talk. Or maybe there’s a story coming up that others are to blame for why therapy isn’t working? Welcome. Maybe it’s just the result of unfortunate circumstances? Welcome. Or perhaps you’ve told yourself that you’re not stuck, but that sometimes it feels that way because things are going so slowly.

Whether you are stuck, or that it feels too slow for you, I want you to consider the possibility that there are reasons for your experience that will make sense upon reflection. It may be a complete mystery right now, but after untangling the knots, things will become clearer.

It has been my experience that most of the time, the reason that people get stuck in life has to do with one or more of the following emotions: fear, anger, shame, guilt, or regret. There actually does seem to be a hierarchy of their influence, and fear is at the tippy top. So, let’s gather our courage and open our hearts to what might be going on here. Let’s just go for GOLD. Let’s talk about fear.

Questions to Ask Yourself When Therapy Feels Slow

Are you curious about how fear plays a role here? If so, read on.

[Quick sidebar for those readers who are already familiar with the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model – notice how a critical piece of the healing process is to befriend protectors (defensive parts of the ego complex/psyche) and ask these protectors, “What are you afraid might happen if you didn’t do your job?”]

Because fear in the nervous system leads to a sense of stuckness, I invite you to consider asking yourself this question, “What might I be avoiding?” 

And notice what comes to mind. __________________________________________________

A couple of common examples might sound like this:

• I’m avoiding telling my therapist that I don’t feel like we’re a good fit, but I’m too much of a people pleaser or conflict avoider to say this outloud.
• I’m not the one who is avoiding. Maybe my therapist is content to just listen to me. I keep talking about the things that I’m more comfortable talking about, and my therapist is the one who is avoiding. They won’t or can’t be honest and direct with me and challenge me in a gentle and loving way. That’s why this is going so slow.
• …  

Exploring Parts of Yourself That Feel Stuck

Perhaps the more useful and pragmatic invitation would be this, ask yourself, “What part of me feels stuck in therapy right now?”

If we were to run an experiment and treat this aspect of yourself that believes “you’re stuck in therapy” as a part of you, can you find this part in or around your body? If not, maybe it’s easier to see this part of you in your mind’s eye. If you can get a sense of it, and you feel loving or curious towards it, can you let it know that it makes total sense that it would advocate for you in this way?

You might even try asking this one, “How long have you felt this way, that I’ve been stuck in therapy?” 

Whatever it says, if you are feeling connected to this part and if it’s true for you, you might consider extending a little appreciation towards it, so that it knows that you value its positive intention to help you in your life. It sounds like it doesn’t want you to stay stuck in therapy. 

What Does This Part Want for You?

What does it want for you? Maybe try asking it that, right now. You might make a special note about what it’s saying, and consider bringing this up to your therapist, if it’s right for you.

And would it be possible to speak for this part of you, the next time you’re in session with your therapist? “Part of me feels________…” Or, is there fear in doing that? Fear that you’ll be judged or questioned in a judging or accusatory way? Or maybe you are afraid your therapist will invalidate you and point out all of the ways in which you are making progress in therapy? 

Again I could suppose or speculate, but instead, I’d like to invite you to just notice if there is fear carried by this part – the part of you who is speaking up to you privately as “self talk” and saying, “you’re stuck in therapy.” 

And if it does carry fear, and if that makes sense to you, go ahead and let it know that it has every right to have those fears. This is what self validation can feel like.

(Remember earlier when I wanted you to consider the possibility that there are reasons for your experience that will make sense upon reflection?

There are good reasons that make sense why this part would be scared to speak up to others in the outside world. So far, it may be that it has only shared this stuff with you privately, as in “self talk.” This is where You come in. After all, You are not this part. You are the one it is speaking to. Who You really are, your true essence, is naturally free from fear. 

Why Honest Communication With Your Therapist Matters

In IFS, we know Self energy shows up in the world with Confidence and Courage, with Clarity. An effective therapist will receive this kind of Self advocacy, this kind of Self leadership, that is, speaking for parts that feel stuck or parts that feel afraid to speak up, an effective therapist will acknowledge this courage and self advocacy and express appreciation and perhaps even admiration. It’s vital to be honest and direct in therapy for it to be effective.

Don’t Wait Too Long to Do the Work of a Lifetime

People can spend years and years, not being honest and direct, and miss out on true healing in their lives. It feels important to say here that you don’t have to put this off any longer. I’m probably feeling compelled to share this now because I just conducted a session with someone in hospice care who was doing the final work of their lifetime. And you don’t have to wait that long. Frank Ostaseski writes in his book The Five Invitations not to put off doing the work of a lifetime until the very end.

Welcoming Fear Instead of Fighting It

Consider practicing welcoming fear, in all of its many forms. I have written prior articles giving step by step instructions on how to do this. But I have also just released my second guided meditation in which you may meet some of your parts who carry fear. You can check that out if you’re interested in what this practice might feel like.

A Simple Experiment: Try Saying “Part of Me Feels…”

And if you are feeling courageous and would like to try this out in your next session with your therapist, you might consider jotting down one sentence beginning with “Part of me feels…” and see what happens. 

Thank you for being open to running this experiment. Or if not, for at least being willing to read about what it might be like to run it.